Years 9–10 · English · Advanced craft laboratory

Lesson 9: Revision Before Proofreading

Use reader evidence to make a consequential change to meaning or effect before correcting surfaces.

Ngā Whāinga Akoranga | Learning intentions

We are learning to: evaluate feedback against purpose and revise whole-text meaning, structure, or reader impact.

Success evidence: I can separate revision from proofreading, record a reader’s experience, and justify accepting, adapting, or rejecting feedback.

Te Whakatakotoranga | Run of show

  1. Notice — diagnose before fixing 6 min
  2. Model — turn response into usable evidence 10 min
  3. Guided test — rank revisions by consequence 13 min
  4. Independent writing — revise a draft that matters 20 min
  5. Reader evidence and revision — preserve the decision trail 8 min
  6. Exit — revision is not correction 3 min

Total: 60 minutes.

Tirohanga whānui | Teaching focus

A clean sentence can still be a weak decision. Learners delay proofreading until the claim, sequence, evidence, and audience relationship work. Feedback is information about a reader’s experience, not an order.

You’ll need

  • Workshop 9 learner page, printed or open digitally.
  • Display the vague lunch-queue paragraph.
  • Provide two colours: consequential revision and surface correction.

Original mentor material

“The lunch queue is a problem. It is long and people do not like it. The school should fix it because lunch matters. This would be better for everyone.”

Notice — diagnose before fixing 6 min

Run it

  1. Ask what the writer appears to want and who needs to act.
  2. Sort observations into meaning, structure, evidence, audience, and surface accuracy.
  3. Do not correct punctuation yet; identify the sentence that most limits the paragraph’s credibility.

Model — turn response into usable evidence 10 min

Run it

  1. Model a reader comment: “I do not know what change you want or why it would work.”
  2. Revise the claim and sequence, making no invented factual assertion.
  3. Only then proofread the revised sentences for clarity and punctuation.

Guided test — rank revisions by consequence 13 min

Run it

  1. Groups receive five possible changes and rank them by effect on purpose.
  2. Reject feedback that rewrites the piece into the reader’s preferred argument.
  3. Choose one change and articulate why the evidence supports accepting, adapting, or rejecting it.

Independent writing — revise a draft that matters 20 min

Run it

  1. Use the lunch paragraph or a current class draft with a clear sharing boundary.
  2. Write purpose and audience at the top; obtain one specific reader response.
  3. Make one change at conceptual, paragraph, or whole-text level before a final surface pass.

Reader evidence and revision — preserve the decision trail 8 min

Run it

  1. Place the before and after passages side by side.
  2. The reader states what became clearer, more convincing, or more engaging.
  3. The writer records the feedback decision and reason without claiming every suggestion improved the text.

Exit — revision is not correction 3 min

Run it

  1. Complete: “I revised ___ rather than merely correcting ___ because ___.”

Ngā huarahi ako | Differentiation

Tautoko / Support

  • Use feedback prompts limited to where the reader was engaged, uncertain, or unconvinced.
  • Permit oral explanation of the revision decision and speech-to-text for the new version.

Toitoi / Extension

  • Evaluate two conflicting reader responses and identify which better matches the intended audience.
  • Make a structural revision that forces smaller language changes, then trace the dependency.

Mana, safety, and writer choice

Learners control who reads a draft and may use the supplied paragraph. Feedback addresses textual effects, never the writer’s identity, accent, experience, or worth.

Hononga marautanga | Curriculum

"Writers use feedback to evaluate and refine how effectively a text engages its audience and achieves its intended purpose, making adjustments as needed."

"Accurate punctuation provides clarity in writing and can be used to help readers navigate text smoothly, emphasise in their writing key ideas, and control pacing."

The lesson directly gathers reader evidence, evaluates it against purpose, revises meaning, and only then uses accurate punctuation to support navigation.

Sources and authority